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Life. To live it or not to live it? This question swirls in the emergency rooms and depression halls in numbers too high to count.

What influences anyone to reach the point of wanting to give up…to either literally die by suicide or to live without living, like the walking dead?

Oh.

Yeah, I’ve been there. In both places actually. As I think of it an endless stream of theories rush in. As good as they may be, theories serve very well to give me an answer that will soothe my mind for today, like telling a child just enough to answer a question without causing confusion.

But I want to know the truth of it. Is there one? A truth about the spirit dying within? Burning out? Turning the flame down so low that few, if any, can see it?

Perceiving that one is alone kills the spirit. Community gone Individual. One for one. Lost is “all for one and one for all.”

I suppose many things can create that perception…a different experience for each. I could blame the competitive nature of our society, the walled off hearts of the wounded and disappointed, the prideful and the martyrs…and the list goes on. Blame, though, cannot reconnect the lost spirit, the lonely or the scared to humanity.

Only we can do that. Not “I” nor you, nor him nor her, only “we.” Only “we are in this together.” Life is not something one can live alone.

Yeah.
Love you.

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Riding the waves of uncertainty

I cannot see past the tip of my nose, yet I follow the scent of ancient mating rituals as if something deep inside me believes something’s missing. With my mind speaking otherwise, I am propelled by this unknowable and familiar urge and I remember all the trails once followed that ended…sometimes in suffocation, sometimes in relief, sometimes in heartbreak…all in perfect completion.

Such is life.

I know. Perhaps I am simply  like a tiger chasing my own tail for the pure bliss of it, unaware of the idea of “something missing,” knowing there is no end, no real destination, no happily ever after…

only uncertainty…

and experience .

Love you.

Battles within…

constant stream of incoming stimulation
merging with the already flowing busy mind
flipping switches and pushing buttons
activating turmoil then peace
then fun and laughter
then fatigue and more wonderment.

Beautiful sky
cold
phone calls from old friends
the day’s headlines
sad news from acquaintances and ex-lovers.

Silence speaking too.

Are these battles within?

Or you fulfilling my request to have it all?

Thank God I’m home.

I finished reading a daring book, How it ends, by Laura Wiess, the night before watching the last bag of Fludurobine (chemo) drip into a vein in Mom’s right arm; last bag for three weeks when she gets to do it all over again. Sitting in the adult cancer outpatient room…watching…trying not to notice the other patients who appeared sicker…listening to the whirs and beeps of machines…wondering…I asked, “What’s next?”

Mom painted a picture I wasn’t anticipating. This isn’t a cure. There isn’t a cure. She’ll feel better for awhile (2-5 years) and will likely need to go through chemo again. This could go on for 10-20 years. In the meantime, she could “get” a secondary cancer (lung, liver, skin…) and fight that too. And/Or, she could “catch” infections, various strains of influenza, and general infectious illnesses that most of us don’t think twice about. 

As her words settled into my wanting-to-be-in-denial brain, I became acutely aware of how close to home “how it ends” is. Not the end. How it ends.

Breathe.

In the meantime…

Where is home?
Home is where the heart can laugh without shyness.
Home is where the heart’s tears can dry at their own pace.

–Vernon Baker quote, preceding the final page of How it ends

 Love you.

Wandering in Barnes & Noble today I picked up a book debunking positive thinking. Curious about the author’s point of view I thumbed through it…barely a scan, so I have limited understanding. What I noticed was a comment about the power of complainers…the ones who worry about the bottom line or the performance of a stock or who notice when something isn’t working. I thought that an odd idea. Another odd idea she posed was that positive thinking and “New Age” ideas lead people to ignore warning signs and problems. Hmmm…without balance…I can see that. Without balancing above and below (heart and mind) either can spiral out of healthy functioning.

Then I picked up a book on intuitive medicine and read a little about messages our bodies give us and knowing things without knowing where the knowledge comes from. And I remembered things I’ve known without knowing how I knew. And I wondered why I’ve ever questioned what I’ve “known.”

Later I read an astrology piece about energies this month that will nudge us to speak the truth, if we dare. I interpret this to mean those things we’re afraid to say to others or admit to ourselves. What truths am I avoiding or denying knowledge of? Feeling tension in my heart and belly, a few come to mind. Aren’t we curious creatures? You tell me and show me the beauty of walking clean: without deception. Yet the contractions of fear hold tight. I’m sure I know the truths wrapped tightly inside.

Give me strength and grace to release these and faith in my ability to live with the truth and to see the inherent beauty.

Love you.

November 2017
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