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Teased into consciousness

by ordinary

expressions of strangers,

gestures of new lovers,

 

old pride,

gatekeeper of

shadows of the past

and of the father,

 

stands ready,

swords drawn,

protecting the

door to the heart.

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R1-24After receiving the name “Rainbow Fire” in Eugene, I was delighted to see this rainbow rising out of the Columbia River on the way home. Thank you for the beauty and wonder of this world.  

Battles within…

constant stream of incoming stimulation
merging with the already flowing busy mind
flipping switches and pushing buttons
activating turmoil then peace
then fun and laughter
then fatigue and more wonderment.

Beautiful sky
cold
phone calls from old friends
the day’s headlines
sad news from acquaintances and ex-lovers.

Silence speaking too.

Are these battles within?

Or you fulfilling my request to have it all?

Thank God I’m home.

I finished reading a daring book, How it ends, by Laura Wiess, the night before watching the last bag of Fludurobine (chemo) drip into a vein in Mom’s right arm; last bag for three weeks when she gets to do it all over again. Sitting in the adult cancer outpatient room…watching…trying not to notice the other patients who appeared sicker…listening to the whirs and beeps of machines…wondering…I asked, “What’s next?”

Mom painted a picture I wasn’t anticipating. This isn’t a cure. There isn’t a cure. She’ll feel better for awhile (2-5 years) and will likely need to go through chemo again. This could go on for 10-20 years. In the meantime, she could “get” a secondary cancer (lung, liver, skin…) and fight that too. And/Or, she could “catch” infections, various strains of influenza, and general infectious illnesses that most of us don’t think twice about. 

As her words settled into my wanting-to-be-in-denial brain, I became acutely aware of how close to home “how it ends” is. Not the end. How it ends.

Breathe.

In the meantime…

Where is home?
Home is where the heart can laugh without shyness.
Home is where the heart’s tears can dry at their own pace.

–Vernon Baker quote, preceding the final page of How it ends

 Love you.

Wandering in Barnes & Noble today I picked up a book debunking positive thinking. Curious about the author’s point of view I thumbed through it…barely a scan, so I have limited understanding. What I noticed was a comment about the power of complainers…the ones who worry about the bottom line or the performance of a stock or who notice when something isn’t working. I thought that an odd idea. Another odd idea she posed was that positive thinking and “New Age” ideas lead people to ignore warning signs and problems. Hmmm…without balance…I can see that. Without balancing above and below (heart and mind) either can spiral out of healthy functioning.

Then I picked up a book on intuitive medicine and read a little about messages our bodies give us and knowing things without knowing where the knowledge comes from. And I remembered things I’ve known without knowing how I knew. And I wondered why I’ve ever questioned what I’ve “known.”

Later I read an astrology piece about energies this month that will nudge us to speak the truth, if we dare. I interpret this to mean those things we’re afraid to say to others or admit to ourselves. What truths am I avoiding or denying knowledge of? Feeling tension in my heart and belly, a few come to mind. Aren’t we curious creatures? You tell me and show me the beauty of walking clean: without deception. Yet the contractions of fear hold tight. I’m sure I know the truths wrapped tightly inside.

Give me strength and grace to release these and faith in my ability to live with the truth and to see the inherent beauty.

Love you.

Taking a breather to reflect on the past few days I’m aware of a lack of awareness of time that holds the hand of the present. While doing what needs to be done, and sorting and sifting new information for future reference, time seems suspended. It reappears in the remembering, in retrieving the bits and pieces of what’s been done and the instructions for tomorrow, in recollecting the things put on hold and the things temporarily forgotten: the dangling threads of life.

I like to say that I want to live a present life–life in the present. It’s rather intense. I know it isn’t always that way; enjoying the bold colors of a rainbow rising out of a dark river energizes me. And yet, I enjoy remembering and anticipating. What if we were only capable of present moment awareness? Would it be a life without comparison and judgment? Could we learn from our experiences? Could we remember our agreements with others? Where, when and how to show up?

I think I’d like to keep time around for a bit. Losing track of it for awhile is okay, but not forever.

Love you.

leukemia…chemotherapy…fear…anger….sadness…

HOPE. Medical wonders. Amazing bodies. Power of faith. Humor. Caring people. A perception change: it’s not poison, it’s Miracle Juice!

Yesterday I set an intention to be aware of the ebb and flow of emotions.

After yesterday I want to say, “Just kidding!”

Yesterday began with a lot of joy and love–like I was sailing on a rainbow. And then she texted. Not a phone call–a text: “Call me at your convenience. Love, Mom.” Who uses the word convenience in a text? Out went the tide. Just like that my rainbow sailboat turned into driftwood in a stormy sea rocking out with the tide.

I know. Just feel. And know that I can’t yet know. Just feel.

Love you…and a little mad at you too…at god…and everything unfair.

All things come to an end.

So they say.

Things change; that I know. Sometimes it feels like a huge upheaval and leaves a big open crack in my landscape. Knowing that new things grow in the cracks and create new beginnings and changed-for-the-better landscapes eases the sharp edges. Thank you for reminding me of the beauty of new beginnings waiting to be known. 

…and for inspiring me to anticipate what I can’t yet know.

Love you.

Last weekend of Lifeworks in Eugene…

The title of the weekend is LOVE…ahhh one of my favorite topics. And it’s the LAST weekend. I imagine this experience of love will show me the fullness of love. Love beyond the emotional feel good, feel giddy sort of high. Love in the fullest sense with all the sadness and joy and maybe even some anger. As I write I think about a currently popular concept of love and fear and I wonder how these two got separated. After all, if not for love I wouldn’t fear loss.

Love you.

October 2009
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